Letting Go Read online

  Letting Go

  Sarah McCarty

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  The car pulled up in front of the dark cabin. The white glow of the moon reflecting off newly fallen snow highlighted the isolation of the log home set at the foot of the mountain. It was perfect. Remote. Comfortable. And it was theirs for the weekend. No work. No pets. Nothing to distract them from each other.

  The uncharacteristic shyness that had been plaguing her the entire four-hour trip came back in spades as Marc switched off the car’s engine. Which was absolutely ridiculous. They’d planned this weekend for a month. Nothing was going to happen here that either of them hadn’t eagerly anticipated, but now that it was time for the planning to give birth to fantasy, she was shy to the point of blushing. She, the woman who never blushed, never embarrassed. Never lost control.

  Becky pretended an interest in the scenery as the driver’s side door opened. Marc’s gaze slid over her like a touch, poking at her insecurities, asking silent questions she didn’t want to answer. Anticipation and nerves fluttered in her stomach in a queasy combination. She made her expression blank to hide her discomfort.

  Marc sighed. The door creaked open. “We don’t have to do this, you know.”

  She kept her voice just as balanced as her expression. “Yes, we do.” Because she was so sick of not being who she wanted to be with him.

  “Then why the cold shoulder?”

  That got her looking at him. He thought she was brushing him off? She took a subtle steadying breath, inhaling the scent of the outdoors…and Marc. Both were clean, crisp and intangibly tied together in her mind, maybe because they’d met on a weekend kayak excursion, but more than likely because the man was as elemental as the forest around them.

  She unclenched fists she didn’t know she’d been clenching. Good grief! No wonder he was asking questions. She looked more ready to go into battle than indulge in a romantic weekend. Becky shook her head at her own idiocy, her hair swishing around her shoulders with the movement. She brushed a strand away from her mouth. “Believe it or not, I’m nervous.”

  “Why?”

  He didn’t try to make eye contact again, which was good. If she’d looked at him, pride would have demanded she lie. “Because I’m afraid I might not live up to your expectations.”

  The back of his fingers brushed down the side of her cheek. His low chuckle still sent a shiver down her spine the way it had the first time she’d heard it. Not for the first time she wondered what attracted him to her. He was as sexy and as uninhibited as a man could get, and she had more inhibitions than…well, than anyone needed.

  “Baby, we’ve been married for two years — do you really think I don’t know what you’re capable of?”

  She looked at him then, taking in the amusement and understanding in his gaze. He was so sure this wasn’t going to be a disaster. “Neither of us knows that.”

  His smile was a slow, sexy stretch of the lips she’d seen many times before. Masculine. Knowing. And confident. He was always so confident. “I know.”

  She clung to that confidence as his hand skimmed her neck, her shoulder, then her thigh. A pat on her knee followed by a quick squeeze and then he was out of the car, leaving her alone with her hopes, fears, and that borrowed bravado. Crisp night air swept in on his exit and she jumped as the door thudded shut.

  She shook her head at her own cowardice. They’d devoted this weekend to obliterating the inhibitions between them. Inhibitions neither wanted. Becky slung her purse over her shoulder, watching in the rear view mirror as Marc walked around the back, a tall muscular silhouette cast in moonlight. Cowering in the car wasn’t an impressive start on her side.

  She yanked the latch and shoved the door open. Snow crunched beneath her feet as she stood and stretched. The night sky expanded before her, a satiny carpet of black speckled with shining stars and dotted with glowing planets. She took a deep breath of the frigid air, shivering as it bit into her lungs.

  A cloud wafted across the moonlit sky. She released her breath, watching the frozen vapor rise until it seemed to meld with that wispy traveler, becoming more than what it was, and yet still less than it would be. For a minute more, she watched the cloud skate along, free and unfettered, and then smiled as, with absolute certainty, she knew everything was going to be all right. There was nothing she and he couldn’t do. Nothing they couldn’t accomplish. Not together. Together, they were like that cloud. More than what they had been before, yet ever growing with boundless potential. She just had to stop being afraid to let go.

  Anticipation skittered through her veins as she walked around the back of the car. The view here was as interesting as the night sky, seeing as Marc was stretched forward, retrieving a suitcase. The man had the body of a runner, roped with lean, hard muscle. She slid her hands up the side of his thighs, smiling as taut muscle flexed under her touch, gliding them up over his narrow hips, under his jacket, around his waist.

  He jumped at the chill of her hands and then relaxed into her hug, settling his palms over hers, pressing them into his abdomen. As always, he communicated so much with a touch, his thoughts as clear as if he’d spoken. She pressed her cheek against the smooth leather of his jacket.

  “I love you, too,” she whispered. And because she couldn’t resist, added, “And I swear, I’m not going to be like this all weekend.”

  “Sweetheart, a few nerves aren’t going to send me running scared.”

  “Even if I babble occasionally?”

  He turned in her arms, his hands dropping to the hollow of her spine. “I’ve never seen you babble. Might be cute to witness.”

  She tilted her head. With a foot difference in their heights, she had to lean back a bit before she could see his expression. “Trust me, it’s not a pretty picture.”

  That half amused, half indulgent smile was still on his face. His head bent. Just before his mouth met hers, he whispered, “I’ll chance it.”

  If there was ever proof that the man got her, it was right there in his kiss. He didn’t just take what he wanted like she expected, but rather he seduced, his mouth rubbing against hers in a subtle coaxing that sapped the anxiety right out of her and replaced it with a warm willingness. Willingness to trust him, to do what he wanted, to be what he wanted. What she wanted.

  She opened her mouth and stretched up on her toes, accepting the thrust of his tongue, the natural dominance in his hold, tilting her head to give him more, letting him lead her past the point where caution said stop. Spreading her legs for the insertion of his thigh between, she checked her impulse to control the need to rub against him, following her instinct and his lead rather than her head. With her next breath she inhaled his groan of satisfaction.

  “That’s it. Just let it happen.”

  His grip moved to her hips, lifting her up against the thrust of his cock, pressing down as she worked her hips in an effort to get closer, to his heat, his cock, to him….

  Too soon he was sliding her down his body, setting her feet on the ground, separating their lips.

  “Hold that thought.”

  She didn’t want to hold anything but him. The press of his thumb at the corner of her mouth sent a shock wave of need through her. Everything she ever dreaded seeing in a man’s eyes was there in Marc’s: amusement, satisfaction and, worst of all, a complacent grin that said he knew exactly how weak she was when it came to him. But her inward flinch never got a running start because there was no malice in that grin, just a bone deep satisfaction that was as arousing as it was comforting because it said more than anything else that at least one of them knew what they were doing. And it was completely natural that it was him.

  His jacket whispered a protest as she slid her a
rms free. His hand cupped her cheek in one of those easy touches that reached all the way to her soul, catching her before she could step away. His hazel eyes were dark in the moonlight. She leaned her cheek into his gloved palm and sighed. “I’m an idiot.”

  His answer was immediate. “Yes, you are, but you’re mine, and I kind of like you this way.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “A neurotic mess?”

  His thumb brushed her mouth and a chuckle quirked his lips before his hand dropped away. “Vulnerable.”

  She held out her hand for her suitcase. “Uh-huh. Well, don’t get used to it.”

  He paused before dragging the cooler out and putting it on the snow-encrusted ground. “I’ll try to keep my appreciation limited to the weekend.”

  She averted her eyes as he settled a brown box on the cooler’s white top. “Thank you.”

  He closed the trunk and hefted the cooler and box. “My pleasure.”

  Becky followed as Marc led the way down the hill to the cabin, admiring the way his jeans clung to his thighs with each step delineating the strength beneath. She wondered if he was thinking the same things she was. She wondered if his cock was hardening as quickly as her pussy was moistening. God! She wanted him. Wanted this. And, she shifted the suitcase as she hurried to keep up, she was not going to allow anything to stop her from obtaining her goal. She might have more than her fair share of inhibitions, but she also had more than her fair share of determination, and of the two qualities, the second was stronger than the first.

  The cabin was cold, the vaulted ceilings and log walls harboring the chill of the outside. She turned up the thermostat on the furnace and set to work on the fire as Marc made the bed and unpacked the food.

  From the corner of her eye, she could see the brown box on the coffee table, looking lost in the vastness of the room. The innocent-looking brown box that held all the sex toys they’d selected together. Anything and everything they’d seen that they thought they might use. It had been tough to ignore the expense, but as it seemed the height of ridiculousness to be prudent when pursuing decadence, she’d conquered her caution to the point of maybe going overboard. She battled an unreasonable urge to toss the throw from the couch over it.

  As if there was anyone here to see. As if Marc was going to have a problem with anything contained in it. The man had adventure in his bones. She was the one with all the good-girls-don’t hang-ups. Heck, judging from his comments as she’d pointed out a few things she’d been interested in and from the confidence with which he’d made his selections, there probably wasn’t anything in the box of which he didn’t have firsthand knowledge. Just not with her.

  And that fast, she added another emotion to the turbulence of the evening. Jealousy that her husband’s past lovers had been more adventurous than she.

  He came up behind her as she stood by the fire. She shivered as he moved her hair aside, baring her neck. The heat of his breath touched her first, moist and tantalizing, brushing across her sensitive nerve endings in an evocative arc.

  “Ready?”

  The question whispered against her neck. Goose bumps sprang up in a silent “Hell, yes,” she couldn’t get past her throat. She tilted her head, inviting a kiss instead, shuddering when he gave it to her. His cock pressed against her buttocks, rock hard and eager while his hands slid down her sleeves until his fingers intertwined with hers.

  She gripped his hands in hers. “As I’ll ever be.”

  He laughed into the curve of her shoulder, sending new goose bumps chasing after the last set, the flick of his tongue encouraging their tingling spread to her breast and nipples. His big hands whispered across the front of her coat, taunting both breasts with the promise of a touch she couldn’t feel, making her strain for any ghost of sensation. The tension in her limbs gathered in her pussy, throbbing with an eagerness that faintly embarrassed her. As if a woman should consider her attraction to her husband a weakness.

  “Having second thoughts?”

  “I’m a little stuck in my ways.”

  He turned her in his arms. “At the risk of repeating myself yet again, I like your ways.”

  No, he didn’t; he couldn’t. She didn’t even like them. “And that’s why you always hold back with me.”

  “Is that a complaint?”

  She wanted to stamp her foot in frustration. “I’m not the one who should be complaining.”

  Two fingers under her chin brought her gaze up. “The reason you haven’t heard me complain is because I don’t have any complaints.”

  “You want a woman who lets go, who can let you be in charge.”

  His gaze never wavered from hers. “The only woman I want is you.”

  She dropped her forehead into his chest. The down of his coat cushioned her landing. “I know.”

  His arms came around her shoulders. “So what’s the problem?”

  “I want to be that woman, too!”

  There, her not-so-secret secret was out.

  His coat rustled as his lips touched her temple. “Have I ever told you I think you’re a nut?”

  She shook her head.

  His smile spread against her temple. “I’m fairly sure I have.”

  “Not today.”

  “My mistake.” This time it was his thumb that propped her chin up. “You know I’ll give you anything you want, in or out of the bedroom.”

  She knew that. He was a very generous lover. She turned her head and cleared her throat. To her dismay, her voice was still held a betraying husk of uncertainty. “I know.”

  “And you want this?”

  She wrapped her fingers around his wrist and held on. “The one place I never wanted to be in charge was the bedroom.”

  And it was the one place where she couldn’t seem to let go. His hand stroked her hair, pulling her cheek to his chest, holding her tight. “Ah, baby.”

  “I know.” She closed her eyes. “I’m a nut.”

  His thumb pressed against her lower lip, bringing her eyes back open. “No, you’re my wife.”

  She angled her head back wrinkled her nose. “Who’s a nut.”

  “Who’s everything I want.” His gaze didn’t leave hers. “Just the way she is.”

  That wasn’t good enough anymore. At least not for her. “But what if I don’t want to be this way?”

  “Then we change.”

  She had so many hang-ups, so many reasons for how she was, none of them worth holding onto. “What if I can’t?”

  “Then we keep trying.”

  She took a breath and released his wrist, clutching his coat sleeve instead. She sighed. “You make it sound so easy.”

  “All you’ve got to do is whatever I tell you. No right, no wrong. No need to think.” He arched his eyebrow at her. “How hard can it be?”

  Not that hard. At least in theory. “Marc?”

  He reached around her and closed the door to the woodstove. “Right here.”

  “Have I mentioned how much I love you?”

  “I’m open to hearing it again.”

  The familiar response given with that familiar smile took away more of her nervousness. This was Marc. She trusted him with her life. She could certainly trust him with her sexuality. She linked her hands around his neck and snuggled her hips into his, giving him a smile back of her own. “Make it worth my while and I will.”

  His brow arched. “Is that a challenge?”

  She did her best to look demure. “Maybe.”

  “That sounded like a challenge.”

  “I would never challenge you.”

  His smile spread. “Like hell.”

  “Well,” she amended, “not without reason.”

  His hands cupped her hips, his fingers stretching to the sensitive inside of her thighs. With an easy flex of muscle he lifted her up. Becky wrapped her legs around his hips as he turned. This close she could see the desire darkening the green of his eyes, feel the tension humming under his skin, feel that side of his personality she’d always
fought surge. His gaze held hers, the blue more prominent than the green as it always was when he was aroused. “It’s risky business challenging a man with my nature.”

  She feathered her fingers in the hair at the base of his neck. “Maybe I’ve just decided it’s time to see how much bite there is to your bark.”

  “Uh-huh. Know what happens to women who play with fire?”

  Her hips jostled against his as he walked to the bedroom, the soft cotton of her sweatpants doing nothing to protect her from the pressure against her clit. Desire sparkled through her blood. Excitement shortened her breath. She loved it when he went all macho on her. “Nope.”

  Marc stopped just inside the bedroom door, his gaze holding hers as he let her slide down his body, the hot length of his cock caressing the inside of her thighs until her toes touched the floor. Her held her there, suspended in his embrace, his cock notched between her legs, pressing against her through his jeans and her pants as he drawled, “Their husbands get to see how hot they can make them burn.”

  He let her go. She stumbled, caught between the king-size bed behind her and her husband in front, daring and dread rising with equal fervor.

  Of course, he saw. He touched her cheek. “What?”

  “Don’t let me ruin this.”

  He shook his head, the firm line of his mouth softening. “There’s no way you can ruin anything.”

  But she could fail. She grabbed his hand. “Promise me you’ll just do it like we talked about.”

  He frowned. “I can’t promise that. Not if you’re not enjoying yourself.”

  “I might be uncomfortable at first, but I swear I’ll enjoy it.”

  “Let’s see.”

  He took her hand in his, pulling it behind his back, pulling her into his arms. The touch of his lips on hers was firm when she’d expected soft, commanding when she’d expected reassurance, throwing her off balance. While she struggled to find the rhythm in the kiss, he caught both of her hands and moved them behind her back, anchoring them in one of his, keeping her helpless as his mouth took charge of hers. Fire streaked from her breasts, her thighs, her lips, leaping along her nerve endings, the feeling of helplessness feeding the flames.